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Please send help…

My wife is a scrapper…no, no that’s not what I want to say. My wife is crafty…no, I don’t mean she is conniving or mischievous. My wife is an Arts and Crafts Wonderwoman. That’s it…she is an arts and crafts wonder woman and her ability to craft a gift or thank you card puts Hallmark to shame.

The mere tonnage of crafty scrapping material she has is the thing of legends. Her collection of ribbon equals 90% of all ribbon that exists on earth. She and her crappy, (I meant “scrappy”) friends go on long scrappy craft weekends to other states, because me and the neighbors would be overwhelmed with so much scrappy craftiness. Crafty scrappers create scrumptious creations out of any particular thing you have lying around the house.

My wife has a cabinet…no that’s not what it is called. My wife has an “armoire” called a “ScrapOrama” or something like that. It contains drawers that open and shut and little containers that contain things and little pouches that puff with poochiness and have things in them I am not allowed to see.

When I first put the “ScrapOrama” together I was swallowed by one of the three hundred doors and fell into a cubbyhole and ended up at a tea party put on by the Queen of Hearts. As you may guess, she wanted to cut off my head.Crafty Scrappers are serious about their crapping, (I meant Scrapping) and as because we are moving and I am packing each room, I fell into a deep despair when I entered the scrappy crafty chamber with the vicious ScrapORama.

She also owns two contraptions she calls “Crikuts” not to be confused with her little grasshopper binding machine. Crafty Scrappers have an abundance of machinery and you’re a crappy crafter who doesn’t have these things! My wife has jars. She has hundreds of jars…old jars new jars, jars I threw away yesterday and jars your husband threw away last month. She owns a few of the original Ball jars and if you are missing some, you know where they are. Paper…oh dear Lord, there is paper.

The ScrapOrama spits out paper like a rabbit poops pellets. It is everywhere. There isn’t just white paper. Crafty Scrappers don’t have WHITE paper. They have flowered, plaid, polka-dot, paisley, striped, circled, jagged and jacked up paper, Yes they have Jacky Paper…it is where he went before Puff the Magic Dragon slipped into his cave. Jacky must have been a crafty Scrapper too. I’m sure of it because my wife has strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.

As I taped 700 boxes all marked “EXTRA LARGE” for our movers, I began by opening the closet. My crafty wife uses a spare bedroom for her crafty scrapping area. As I opened the closet I was enveloped by yet another handy tool of the crafty scrapper…the photo album. As I opened the closet I blacked out and awakened neck-deep in birthday albums, family reunion albums, vacation albums, and albums that had no clear purpose.

There were baskets filled with other baskets, and boxes filled with other boxes. Cute little crafty bottles of glitter. Oh, the humanity!

The glitter was so thick I could not breathe. I stuffed blue glitter and red glitter and silver gltter and orange glitter into boxes as quickly as I could, but they kept substituting new glitter players into the game faster than I could keep up. As quickly as I could slam one box shut and tape up a new one, a new onslaught of scrappy craft glitter bottles would appear. Something in the closet began a low deep guttural laugh and I knew that I was being toyed with. I gained the advantage when I changed tactics and began wrapping the Ball jars in moving paper. I cleared out the ScrapOrama, but again I was enveloped onto one of it’s never-ending folding doors.

My wife is a scrapping, crafty wonder woman…and that’s all I’m going to say about it. Let’s just leave it there. Please send help!

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